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:iconthreedayweekend: More from threedayweekend


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Submitted on
November 13, 2012
File Size
665 bytes
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Sta.sh
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680
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33 (who?)
Comments
12
Downloads
10

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Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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Dark chocolate & espresso
with Bic ink you're dust.
My stomach & your brain
makes dawn a twilight red dusk.

A couple of words
describe us two.
Two words:
me & you.

Get the drift? Feel that draft?
That's an ozone aroma, a prelude to rain.
Nature's craft is my gift
and my gift is just a game.

I don't know how you feel now but if you'll have some dark chocolate and espresso with me we'll probably feel the same.

Whatever that's worth.
Just experimenting, as usual.

Explanation: This is about the relationship between a writer and his characters. The guy is real and girl is written, on paper. He causes his character to feel the wind and rain of nature and feels sad about how writing is just an emotional game, because no matter how well you write, you're writing will never love you back, and everyone needs love.

So maybe it's about searching for fulfillment in places you're certain not to get it, the proverbial wild goose chase.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it :iconyomp:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconblazin8004:
I think this is actually a great work of poetry, and the idea behind it is wonderful and unique to me. I also enjoyed how you managed to get the meaning of the poem across in just a few stanzas.

The word choice and sentence variation is something I focus on quite a bit in my work, and you've done a good job with it here.

Another thing I really focus on when looking at poetry is how well it flows together, which is done with rhyme, sentence length and transitions from sentence to sentence and stanza to stanza. You've done a good job with this as well.

The only thing I would say is that there are a couple grammatical mistakes, such as "you'er" in line 2, which I assume was supposed to be "you're," and the unnecessary "the" in line 9.

Finally, I feel that the ending fell slightly short in its impact in conveying the meaning of the poem. I felt that it was a bit abrupt. Nevertheless, it was very well written, and I enjoyed it!
What do you think?
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:iconbelarosewolf:
BelaRoseWolf Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
This is such an incredible idea! I love the mystic feeling, and I love how it feels so raw at the same time. Your choice of word is excellent, and I enjoyed reading this very much. Amazing work~
Reply
:iconxtrqs:
XTRQS Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
I really, really like it. Except for the last two lines, they seem out of place and they break the rhythm. You don't need them!
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So far, really well written. I like it :)

I like the brevity in your words. They're very crisp... its worth every minute.

One catch though:

Get the drift? Feel the that draft?
That's an ozone aroma, a prelude to rain.
Nature's craft is my gift
and my gift is just a game.

change the "feel the that draft" into... "feel the... that draft" or... "feel the... the... th... that draft?"; adding utterances to it gives it a life of its own.

Since you're good with punctuation, adding that little feeling, actually gives the writer an attachment to his works.
Reply
:iconapocalypto99:
apocalypto99 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Student General Artist
:iconbravoplz:
Reply
:iconthreedayweekend:
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012   Writer
:iconbowplz:
Reply
:iconapocalypto99:
apocalypto99 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Student General Artist
^-^" Well played, my friend.
Reply
:icongabanks118:
GABanks118 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Student Writer
I dunno, I'm having a little trouble tracking this one. Maybe it's just because I need coffee, though.
Reply
:iconthreedayweekend:
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012   Writer
Coffee would help, sir. Here have a latte on me Mr Banks: :coffeemachine:
Reply
:icongabanks118:
GABanks118 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Student Writer
This is a vast improvement. Carry on.
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
A truly enjoyable read. So different from what I am used to on dA. Thank you for sharing.
Reply
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