Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

A couple sit in a diner with red cushion seats but are distracted when a nearby customer becomes agitated by the prices and leaves without ordering.
"She must not have been hungry to leave without lunch." He said.
She replied: "Lungs are stomachs eating air appetizers."

Outside they walk on the city's cement sidewalk where they pass a Godiva chocolate store, then a perfume store.
"I feel like things are made for us, today." She said.
He nodded and said: "Daylight moons herald Aphrodisiac's modus opperandi."

Then, with pedestrian's judgment they cross the street to go to the entrance of the zoo but a pragmatic denizen of the metropolis protests by running him over.
"Call 911, for the sake of god!" she screams as she calls 911.
In a daze he looks over at the peacocks flocked around the bars of the zoo and says: "Poseidon's slut here rides Mediterranean waves."

At the hospital Dr. Frankenstein stepped outside of the operating room to affectionately gossip with a nurse.
She says, "What a sublime romance to share everything."
He says: "Lover's blood transfusions are narcissistic love."
this is for :iconlacoterie: to critique.

If you (lacoterie members) are going to critique this then I ask that you discuss this particularly by how this succeeds or fails in terms of reconciling poetry with prose.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE: I am aware that this is in the "prose" category however I ask that this be considered in terms of poetry. Please do not make write write an essay length explanation on why this should be accepted as poetry.

Add a Comment:

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013   Writer
Hey, I featured this amazing piece here: [link]
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013   Writer
Hey, i appreciate the techniques you've used in this piece, but as with a lot of poetry that i read, i don't really get it. I think this is a very specific problem i have with poetry though, since i'm not really a big fan of poetry and i didn't realise this was poetry until i reached the end. My issue is, i like to have more substance so i know what's going on. I mean, i don't need every single little thing spelling out for me, but you have quiet deep references here (from what i read from your reply to another comment) which sort of escaped me. But, that said, i think this is my problem, not yours.

Is there any reason your observations are in present tense, but then their responses are in past tense (she said, he said)?

Another thing i noticed is that your dialogue isn't formatted correctly, i don't know how this is in poetry but i assume it's the same.
Here: "...without lunch." He said - it should be "...without lunch," he said.

Apart from that, it was a well written piece, well done :)
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2013   Writer
Yeah I remember writing this. Okay yeah good points they are 100% valid and interesting! I also wish I knew more about poetry so that I would avoid mistakes like that, like the "he said" thing.

The main reason I went with poetry as the genre here is more or less because of the following:

a. it's short
b. it might be flash fiction but I was trying to write poetry
c. literature categories are hazy anyway

but the main reason was because what I tried to do here was just present an image and feeling to the reader without focusing at all on the normal fiction stuff like plot and whatnot. I hope that makes sense. I'm not trying to justify what I wrote but am trying to explain why I did what I did.

Thanks for the comment and featuring it.
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013   Writer
Yeah, well that's a good reason for going with poetry i guess :)
And no problem, it was a good piece :)
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... what is "Aprodisiac's modus operandi"?
the six word stories fitted in here really well - the best one was "Poseidon's slut here rides mediterranean waves", alongside "lover's blood transfusions are narcissistic love".

The story itself was actually really cool - you can write really short stories and still get your point through.

And after "Winter's Story", "Reverse Alchemy", "Untitled", "Piano Facade", and the one other story based of your own personal experience, this one was good. Honestly.

It was good, but having said that, I didn't get the implications behind the references... IF there were any, that is... The Poseidon and Aphrodisiac ones are what are garnering my attention.
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Writer
I'll try to remember to clarify this later today.
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
sure thing :)
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Writer
Each paragraph is made so that there is an initial scene, an observation, then a response to that observation.

1. Lungs are stomachs eating air appetizers.
1. This is the response to the observation about the customer having left without ordering food. It means that people are always consuming, always eating, digesting and the rest.

2. Daylight moons herald Aphrodisiac's modus opperandi.
2. This is an observation about the stores which they passed. When I wrote that the two people walked past the chocolate and perfume stores I didn't imagine they consciously considered the point that chocolate and certain scents are aphrodisiac. Instead the woman speaks a comment in which she states her belief that things are perhaps going their way, as a couple. But the man, in that final line, makes reference to the "daylight moons" (the mood setting stores) which carry their aphrodisiac nature to the couple.

It is an observation about the roots of the mood of the particular setting.

3. Poseidon's slut here rides Mediterranean waves.
3. This sentence is the crux & culminating point of the story. The other three ending sentences all are intended to clarify the setting and story of the preceding paragraph and resolve the idea of the supernatural which functions without explanation and the mundane and explainable.

"Poseidon's slut" refers to the characters who make the most obvious but less insightful observations. The "slut" is whoever doesn't speak the final resolving sentence in the paragraph. I used the term to reference the character when he or she submits so easily to dull observations because that person's mind is more vulnerable to being dominated by supernatural thoughts.

The "here rides" part is in reference to the current events of being hit by a car. So the character speaks the most supernatural conclusion, plays the part of an oracle, all right after a very mundane & commonplace accident.

"Mediterranean waves" means that his supernatural beliefs have brought the mythology of superstition from their original location among the gods and in foreign places to right here at the scene of the accident.

4. Lover's blood transfusions are narcissistic love.
4. It is implied before this comment that the woman selflessly donated her blood to save her boyfriend/husband/whatever. But this retort by the doctor hints that giving away blood to save something you love might not be selfless. Also I thought it was funny because narcissism is the love of the self, and if your own blood is pumping through someone else then are you really in love with yourself? Ha I know it's cheesy.

Thank you for reading I hope this makes sense and the explanations don't make the story worse. Also I probably should proofreading this super duper long reply but I'm not going to so let me apologize for massive editing errors in advance. :D
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... It definitely made sense now...

This explanation kinda reminded me of "The Wall Analysis"... I didn't notice that there were so many subtle implications hidden in this work...

Psychology's fun :D and the ending line was definitely cheesy :lol: but I got it. Whatever you explained I understood.
C-Allagash Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
I've just used the word "story" to refer to this piece. Sorry.
Maybe "prosetry"? (all rights reserved to :iconamanda-graham:)

Unique and different (although, as you suggested yourself, "exotic" is applicable too).

My favourite parts are "Lungs are stomachs eating air appetizers." and "Lover's blood transfusions are narcissistic love."

Everytime I read from you, I think "Only he could have written this". At the same, one text is so different from the other.
Reading from you is open the mind, facing the different... read one thing and understand it a way... and then understand it completely differently when you read it twice.
What a "factory of ideas" your mind must be!

Do you know what?
I'd love to see your interests.
They are not in your profile, but it would be interesting to know what someone like you likes to read or listen to.
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   Writer
My interests? Well I enjoy learning so that leads me to a lot of new places. I'm reading "The History of the Peloponnesian War" by Thucydides and just finished "The Art of Listening" by Eric Fromm, a psychoanalyst.

Also I believe in magic, like for real, with astrology, demons, astral... all that. You can check out the stuff by people like Israel Regardie & Crowley, people like that, to see what it's about. Recently I've been doing much more Eastern practices because they really have their meditation stuff down &, I think, a better grasp of reality than western magic allows for, but I might be getting off topic ha.

Other than that, things like tv & other people influence me the most, I think. So I'll read something you did and get an idea and start working on that. Frozenstar influences me a lot with her art :iconfrozenstarkitty:, probably more than anyone else really. People I "watch", influence what I write.

You really are 100% right on with that prosetry mention. Prosetry might be Amanda-graham's term (and I think it works fine) but the concept has been around before and different people have worked with it. The essay "The Fire" by Robin Blaser ([link])covers the subject.

When I write something like this I start by asking myself "what is the nature of something, what are it's attributes, where can those attribute take it in relation to something else which has its own attributes..." and so on, until I have several different concepts I can juxtaposition together but also interact with. That's what happened here.
C-Allagash Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
Sorry for my delay (I always say it, I know).

I know what it feels like, to learn new things.
I used to say I am language-addict. Nowadays, I think the term is too soft to describe me, I am a language-maniac. It has changed my routine and preferences.
And I feel confused all the time, mixing terms, words and rules.

About your interests though, I must say that I am surprised!
Magic and tv?
I definitely don't have anything against any of them, and I actually like both.
However, I am already so used to listen to people saying that magic is nonsense and tv is brainwash.
You see, if someone wants to sound more intellectual, their first step is always criticise tv, supernatural and religion in general.
You're full of surprises!
Do you mind if I use you as an example of intelligent person who watches tv next time I have a discussion about it?

No worries, I just mentioned Amanda because the term she uses to describe her own writing could fit the text ;)
She's a lovely person, and the things she writes always make me stop to think, just like it happens with YOUR writings.

I'll check Frozenstar's gallery (just let me finish this message ;) )

Sorry once more for the time it takes me to answer messages, and thanks a lot for your answer, it was interesting to read it. Really.
All the best, and see you.
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012   Writer
No worries about the timing, it's all good. I'll check out your friend's gallery.

Yeah well it seems to me that criticism against religion has gone about as far as it can. I mean really how many ways are there to argue something that essentially comes down to belief? Anyway.

That's very cool about your languages! Which ones do you know/like? I'm trying to learn french but I'm not that great with languages ha. Not many people are, really, so it's awesome that that is something you enjoy.
C-Allagash Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012
Oh no, we have problems.
I really can talk about langauges for hours, be annoying and don't even realise.
I'll try to do it briefly (I am sorry if I exagerate).
I can hold long conversations in English, Brazilian Portuguese (but I can understand the Portugal PT too), and French.
I speak bit of German.
I've been studying also Italian, Dutch, and Estonian.
But I've tried a bit some dialects too (there are MANY in the UK!) and Swiss German.
Next year I think I'll finally study Spanish seriously.
Besides, I have plans about Russian someday.

You're right about languages. It's not something everybody likes and it takes a lot time, it requires a routine, you have to change your way to think.
But it can be easier.
I think the most important steps are:
- To indentify your best way to learn - it seems a bit obvious, but many times we don't learn because of it. Some people can study alone, some like the interaction with other learners in a classroom, some like one-a-one with a teacher, and in some cases, immersion.
- To identify WHY to learn a language - For example, if it's professional reasons, you'll really have to concentrate on grammar, because you'll have to be able to write forms, etc. However, if you're just going to travel to a foreign country (other than France), you don't really need to learn everything, just sentences to make communication easier.

Then, the other thing I can say is that, if you really want to learn language, it's a long process, and it can be boring sometimes, so you'd better keep it inovaitve and stimulating, trying different ways to learn, for example, listening to music, watching films, reading, chatting with people. You don't even realise that you are studying.

Here, some sites to help you with your French: (Community language, with vocabulary courses divide by themes. It has also some groups of specif interests); (The bigest langauge community of the world. You can try vocabulary courses in many different langauges. If you pay, you can try their Active course, which has grammar, expressions, etc. You can use the points you win - making corrections - to buy the complementary exercises or expert review). (Here you can find conjugation and spell checker) (Very good podcasts, explications in English. The first week is free and you can download everything you can) (Free audio-books)

[link] (Films in French... although the films are not always French ;) )
medikkuu Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wow good job :o
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012   Writer
Really? You might be being sarcastic I can't tell... I know it's "exotic".
medikkuu Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
None of that shiet included.
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012   Writer
I'll dance to that song.
medikkuu Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012   Writer
Your clever and witty style of expression is interesting & engaging. If you ever decide to write a story, I'd like to see how it turns out.
medikkuu Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you. I might consider it but I am not quite so sure yet.
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012   Writer
What's holding you back?
(1 Reply)
Add a Comment:

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
November 11, 2012
File Size
1.3 KB


4 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.